07-11-2020 Who am I missing?

            Judging Others

"Judge not, that you be not judged. For with the judgment you pronounce you will be judged, and with the measure you use it will be measured to you.

"Do not give dogs what is holy, and do not throw your pearls before pigs, lest they trample them underfoot and turn to attack you.

            Ask, and It Will Be Given

"Ask, and it will be given to you; seek, and you will find; knock, and it will be opened to you.For everyone who asks receives, and the one who seeks finds, and to the one who knocks it will be opened.

Or which one of you, if his son asks him for bread, will give him a stone? Or if he asks for a fish, will give him a serpent? If you then, who are evil, know how to give good gifts to your children, how much more will your Father who is in heaven give good things to those who ask him!

            The Golden Rule

"So whatever you wish that others would do to you, do also to them, for this is the Law and the Prophets.

                                                                                                                                    ―Matt 7:1-2, 6-12 

Alright, now that I’ve worked through my inner struggle regarding my self-perceived worth/expertise vs. my actual spiritual worth to You, I submit to a question; asking, seeking and knocking for Your answer.

As You know, Lord, the Beatitudes was one of my first memory verses. I have typically looked at this portion, Matt 7 as a formula for personal discovery and discipline. For a long time now, I have struggled with and tried to work through my understanding of Your words in this passage. Judge not…then…don’t give gifts to dogs or pigs? In my mind, this has sounded highly contradictory.

But Your Spirit speaks to my spirit: what if these passages are as well, instruction on how I should testify to others; evangelism, reaching out to others, calling them to join me walking in the footsteps of you, Rabbi/Redeemer Jesus?

When I review the passage using a testimonial lens, I begin to understand:

            Who You are speaking about as the target(s) of my judgement?

            What You mean by giving away something that is “holy”?

            Who is a dog or pig, who is not a dog or pig?

            And how can I make those distinctions if I’m not to judge?

I pray, You answer: There is some implied/unwritten wording within Your instruction. You ask me not to ignore, but to explore in context. I was tempted to fill in the blanks with the easy answer―others. But You convict me with another more expanded word You used throughout Your message―mind. It is also understood by another name that has caused more than a little controversy through the years―soul.

You have taught me Lord that the Greek word dianoia translates either as soul or mind―the unseen realm we humans consider to be our personal inner space wherein our choices and actions are determined.

This is not to be confused with another word You inspired in scripture― psuchē which today is commonly mistranslated as soul. The more accurate rendition is breath/spirit. As I understand, this is my spirit which is breathed into me by You, or if I had chosen to reject You, it may be breathed in by some other spiritual dweller. I know this is dangerous ground to present with others reading along, but it is how I have come to understand my place in Your universe. I am a body, endowed with a mental soul. And within me is an additional space to be inhabited, through choice or otherwise, by some spiritual force.

And so, my study of Matthew 7 suggests that filling in the implied wording for context should help me better comprehend what You are asking of me…

Judging Others

"Judge not (other souls), that you be not judged. For with the judgment you pronounce (on other souls) you will be judged, and with the measure you use it will be measured to you.

"Do not give dogs what is holy―spiritually pure, morally blameless, and do not throw your pearls before pigs, lest they trample them underfoot and turn to attack you.

Ask, and It Will Be Given

"Ask (for souls who are seeking what is spiritually pure), and it (also can be translated as “they”) will be given to you; seek (souls who are seeking what is spiritually pure), and you will find (them); knock, and it (they; souls who are seeking what is spiritually pure”), will be opened to you.

For everyone who asks (for souls who are seeking what is spiritually pure) receives (them) , and the one who seeks (souls who are seeking what is spiritually pure) finds (them), and to the one who knocks it (they; souls who are seeking what is spiritually pure) will be opened.

 Or which one of you, if his son asks him for bread (metaphorically―spiritual food?), will give him a stone (metaphorically―tomb/death)? Or if he asks for a fish (metaphorically―testimony of sincere faith?), will give him a serpent (metaphorically―deception?)?

If you then, who are evil, know how to give good gifts to your children, how much more will your Father who is in heaven give good things to those who ask him!

The Golden Rule

"So whatever you wish that others would do to you (to help you discover what is spiritually pure), do also to them, for this (testimony of God’s existence to others) is the Law and the Prophets.

The same language and similar parallels can be found in the Luke, Chapter 11 version of the Beatitudes, verifying that this message is equally about how I am to not just embrace and live my life according to Your revelation, but am also charged to actively share it.

So, what’s the big deal, Lord? What really changes in Your teaching if I view it evangelically? For that, you led me back two chapters to Matthew 5:13-16

"You are the salt of the earth, but if salt has lost its taste, how shall its saltiness be restored? It is no longer good for anything except to be thrown out and trampled under people's feet.

"You are the light of the world. A city set on a hill cannot be hidden. Nor do people light a lamp and put it under a basket, but on a stand, and it gives light to all in the house.

"In the same way, let your light shine before others, so that they may see your good works and give glory to your Father who is in heaven."

I am salt and if I lose my saltiness, I’m no longer useful? I am light and should not hide? But the world would tell me that my faith is a personal, private thing. I’m not to bother others with the details. What is Truth, then? If I ignore Your testimonial teaching and challenge, it sounds like I will not be counted as one of the “Beatitude Blessed”!

What’s so disturbing about this is that you, Lord, are not just commanding this of a few friends, but of everyone who hears the message. And the ultimate ramifications are striking as You tell in the final portion of Matthew 7:

"Everyone then who hears these words of mine and does them will be like a wise man who built his house on the rock. And the rain fell, and the floods came, and the winds blew and beat on that house, but it did not fall, because it had been founded on the rock.

"And everyone who hears these words of mine and does not do them will be like a foolish man who built his house on the sand. And the rain fell, and the floods came, and the winds blew and beat against that house, and it fell, and great was the fall of it."

So, this is not just about being right with You, it’s about sharing Your message with others rightly? Wow. There is a lot to digest within this new framework. Does it suggest that the “log in my eye” is not only addressing how I critique others, but how I reach out to others to share Your Gospel?

More prayer, more instruction. Lord, convict me daily to ask for opportunities and the courage to engage with “the willing ones”, those eager for a new message of hope. Teach me to be alert to Your Spirit’s working in those seeking. And when I knock, let the door of other’s hearts, and my own heart be opened wide to embracing Your lovingkindness and salvation through the sacrifice and resurrection of Your son.

I remain Your servant; asking, seeking, knocking—with open eyes and ears—for fellowship with others by Your Spirit’s calling.

It is so,

Mark C.

6-26-2020 The Emancipation of Expertise

“Why do you see the speck that is in your brother's eye, but do not notice the log that is in your own eye? Or how can you say to your brother, ‘Let me take the speck out of your eye,’ when there is the log in your own eye? You hypocrite, first take the log out of your own eye, and then you will see clearly to take the speck out of your brother's eye.”

―Matthew 7:3-5

Troubling stuff, Lord.

I’m reading a book authored by a modern-day pundit. I find myself not only disagreeing with 90% of what he says, but the content is pressing certain buttons in my brain that I would rather not have pushed. I am flustered by this fellow to the point that I don’t even want to mention his name for concern it might be deviously mispurposed as some kind of endorsement to those who seek to embrace a humanistic worldview. I do not recommend this book, other than as a warning/example of high-minded opinionism.

Forgive me, Lord, he has the right to his opinions. I am sad for, not angry at him. I am sure others have such opinions of me and I pray that You correct me if my thoughts and actions are out of alignment with Your plan.

And for the “curious” out there…

            No, I am not the said author of the offending book―I’m not “self-bashing”.

No, I do not recommend book burning―but I do admit to sometimes speaking out/acting-out negatively, based on my own perceptions.

What a buildup, right? Why all the upfront apologetics, Adonai? I’m getting to that. I’m seeking Your wise spiritual counsel on a matter. To do so, I feel the need to think through (write through―that’s how You crafted me to think best) the issue and then wait on Your guidance to manifest. That means I have had to patiently read through the other author’s work to give him fair appraisal, and to make sure I somehow did not miss some critical point.

In quick summary: The author accuses that we live in an age where “experts” of any type are scorned by the masses. His overarching premise is that experts who have been accredited in their said professions should not just be respected for their expertise, but also trusted because of their experience, education and the endorsement of their colleagues who share the same expertise.

Lord, to me, that reasoning and defense smacks of elitism in its purest form.

But here’s the really disturbing part, Sovereign. At one time in my life, I could have been that guy. I remember harboring, even voicing very similar ideas, and considering myself such an expert. In fact, I can imagine even now having this very discussion with my friends and family around a table. Many, maybe even all of them, might say, “Oh come on Mark, I have definitely heard you speak in that way and have seen you behave based on a similar bias.” Then we would all share a chuckle about it.

I confess Lord, they would not be wrong. Here’s the glaring issue―as it has always been when You lovingly hold the mirror up for me to consider…

―Is that who I want to be?

More so, how convicted am I to follow You on an alternative path based on a different mindset altogether?

In this age of data-tracking, I’m discovering how having possession of data or confidence in one’s skills does not translate into reliable understanding and practical capability. Even one of the hallmarks of expertise, the concept of Scientific Methodology which You created, has been corrupted by us, Lord.

I was taught that the original intention of the Scientific Method is to ask what exists, then prove or disprove its existence by measured observations. But by today’s postmodern thinking, the Scientific Method begins with assuming something exists, then creating measurements to prove its existence.

Jesus, you are helping me discover that the two methods of measurement, regardless of whether I ascribe to one, the other, or some combination of the two, are contingent on whose measurement(s) are being used and what are their motivations? Are they valid? As important, are their measurements being used in some deceitful attempt to define the existence and importance of an object or event; then to control conventional wisdom to focus others’ awareness toward the “expert’s” desired outcome?

Lord, I am warned by You against human expertise, whether it is someone else or me who wants others to respect our coveted positions of power and control. But now comes an even bigger caution shared by You throughout scripture. It is directed at me and anyone else reading along:

Before I judge the author of the book I’m critiquing, before I argue against anyone else’s opinions, I must consider who I was, who I am, and who I want to be. Why?

Because You have told me what is good and what is required…to do justice, and to love kindness, and to walk humbly with my God.

Is this resonating with anyone else out there? Can any of us claim we haven’t harbored/voiced (or are still harboring/voicing) similar indignance; believing we are better than You, God almighty, at determining best practices, administering skills, plying false integrity,  and distorted servitude in our trades? Are we capable of deferring to You, the Highest Authority, for expertise? Or are we doomed to eternally point fingers at one another, claiming we, because of our Selfish-Expertise-mindsets; know better?

My Savior, I think here is the best place to seek forgiveness from my fellow men and women. I don’t want to appear to be arguing that they should not be honored for their insights, education, experience, and intelligence. Certainly, we have all been endowed by our Creator with talents and skills. Some have even been bestowed with incredible spiritual gifts that can benefit the rest of humanity. Praise You for Your craftsmanship displayed through our best efforts!  But the subject-author suggests that his expertise makes him more intelligent, wiser than the general public within his domain. And I too have been tempted to ignore or dismiss the positions of others because their views, training, and life history don’t match up with what I deem credentially acceptable.

If someone who does not believe in a spiritual frame of reference condemns those with such a reference because they do not trust exclusively in human expertise, how do we proceed? Conversely, if I with my spiritual mindset do not carefully consider the expertise of other humans that You place in my path, regardless of their spiritual orientation, what blessings might I miss?

So, I’m asking for Your help Lord, Your wise council to be present as I weigh all the factors relating to the expertise of life. Whether I believe or practice as others do, let me demonstrate proper reflection before accepting, rejecting, or debating their prowess. I pray for You to inspire patience in them as well to consider my frame of reference, so that we can all draw on the best from one another. Inspire us toward solutions rather than endless complaining and debate.

Guide me as You convict me into a deeper study of Your Beatitudes to discover the blessings of Your will and plan for me; how I am to walk, serving Your purpose in the world rather than serving the desires of the world. Let Your insight shine through me as a testimony to others. Let us all dare to consider Your power and Your desire to guide us by the application of Your eternal skills as the only consistent Expert in whom any of us can totally depend.

Also, Lord, thank You for testing me and my ways―shining a light on the thoughts and opinions of those with whom I disagree. Let me be respectful and considerate, but not blindly compliant to their views. Help me to be ever mindful of and receptive to Your ways in comparison with humanity’s ways.

It is so,

Mark C.

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5-9-2020 Lord, I should…

“For my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways my ways,” declares the LORD.

―Isaiah 55:8

Lord, I should be in Israel right now.

That could easily be my thought, but what is the basis for such a statement? Back at the end of 2019, You know that my wife and I committed to a plan for taking five additional travelers with us to the Land of Milk and Honey. We had prayed about and believed we had received confirmation that our plan was Your plan.

Enter the strange times of Covid19. Early on, we remained hopeful that everything would work out, because, after all, You had encouraged us on this path―we were sure of it! But events further unfolded, quarantines ensued, airlines cancelled flights, and the social-workings/economies of the world froze in time. And so, I am not in Israel right now.

I observed other travelers in similar circumstances who also were taken by surprise. Several in fact dared to travel to another country during the early onset of the viral spread and were sent packing after conditions rapidly changed. Others like us were refused the option to travel altogether and found themselves either reconciling their desires with Yours, or resenting the incursion of unwanted change to their arrangements.

Yes, in honesty, I was confused, Lord. Why build up our expectations when, with your Foreknowing, Omniscient abilities, You could have discouraged us from the start? Wouldn’t that have been the better plan?

How arrogant am I, that I should consider I know Your ways? Maybe by way of Your encouragement, our group has developed greater communion with one another. Maybe by way of Your smiling on our anticipation, prayers, and enthusiasm, we have found deeper relationship with You. Maybe, just maybe, all of what is happening is not completed―That, I should think, is the higher consideration. Maybe, no, certainly, in my heart and mind, I should realize You have future plans for us to consider.

Mmmm, this gets me to thinking that maybe I should not only consider my travel plans and inconveniences as being knit into Your tapestry, but all of the plans I have designed, all the aspects of my life, should be considered consequences of my will either coalescing with, or opposing Yours.

In this moment of consideration, I should not speculate on the positive or negative aspects of Your design, or on my reactions. I should not venture a guess as to where this all leads, who will benefit, who might not. Just as Your son did when called to, what I should try to do are the hardest things of all…submit and trust. That will even require me to accept that I should reexamine what it is that defines Your benefits. And then I should choose and be ready to receive an alternative calling from You, different from my selfish expectations.

I should try, Lord, to submit. I should struggle to trust. “Should”, and “Will”. Which will it be, Lord?

Help me…cause―just as the psalmist pleaded with You to cause―me to hear and respond to the words of Your lovingkindness. Help me to walk with others as we wrestle to discover humility in the moment, to understand and embrace Your ways.

And maybe, just maybe in my pursuit of deeper relationship and understanding with You and with others, I will be…

―Blessed and satisfied.

It should and, I pray, will be so,

Mark C.

markcwrites@gmail.com

3-24-2020 From the Beginging

Know this, my beloved kin: let every person be quick to hear, slow to speak...                                                   -James 1:19a

Lord I’ve been watching the unfolding of the Covin19 outbreak and people's responses, including my
own. People, including myself, appear to be in search of hope and answers. We all play out these
desires in our own ways, some positively base, others influenced more heavily by fear. As You have
inspired me to do in the past, I am inspired to blog and this is the challenge: What can I say and offer
that hasn’t already been said and offered?

I’m not a healthcare professional. I don’t have a political or practical slant offer. I have no unique
online donation cause to herald,  no extra toilet paper to put out on the auction block. What is it You
would have me say?

I do have some extra time right now. My job functions, like many have been curtailed, and I have
these writing skills. I’m even writing a book right now on listening skills and...oh, that’s the topic You
would want me to share? Listening. Right, I hear You loud and clear.

As I have been exploring the way we listen, I’ve come to realize most of us, when asked to share
“our story”, begin in the moment - what is happening right now. Some of us will reluctantly share
pieces of our past and hopes for our future, but few, even when encouraged, know how to begin
where it all began; from our first moments in time as best we can recall them, without retreating
straight back to the safety of our carefully crafted front-page news talking points.

It takes great practice. It takes great perseverance and honesty. 

As for those of you out there listening right now, like me you probably would struggle in asking
another person to share their origins, their creation story. And then, like me you would have as
difficult a time hearing the person out without interrupting and without trying to immediately infuse
your opinions and story into theirs.

It takes great practice. It takes great silence and humility.

I have been practicing and still need practice. So why not begin by listening to You, Lord? In
silence and humility. And in this way I am learning from Your example how to listen better to others.
You are teaching me even in this moment: You, my Savior have incredibly listened to my story with
the exact silence and humility You would teach to me.

I even have been inspired to share with others, in perseverance and honesty, how I have learned to
listen. It’s part of my story, Lord, so by Your urging, I’ll offer it now to any who would allow me to share.

UnMeasuring Relational Listening Method*

Find someone to listen to and ask this simple question: “Would you mind sharing with me your
origins―your story―from your perspective?”

• Shut up: Let the person talk as long as they want. 
• Hearing Check Summary: “So what I hear you saying is… (you are…; you were…;

you are becoming…”

• Avoid adverbs such as “think, believe, like, hate”. 
• Shut up: Let the person respond as long as they want. 

When the Story-creator is through…

• Thank them sincerely for openly sharing. 
• DO NOT offer suggestions of things they should or might do differently.

Be prepared to offer your story (only if invited to share). Explain that you would appreciate
their listening without interruption, doing a Hearing Check and not offering any opinions for
change (just as you modeled for them).

If they do not want to hear your story, or insist in offering opinions/manipulation of your story;
thank them and politely end the encounter. Don’t be offended, this is an unusual relational approach
that some are just not ready to try.

*Alert – this is going to take practice and patience. You will most likely not “get it right”

the first few times around. The only way to get it right is to keep trying to get it right!

It is not an easy thing to do. It is the most serious of ventures; entering into life’s confession with
hopes of discovering commonality and trust through relationship. But it is one of the truest things to
do, and in this moment of struggle that the whole world is sharing, Your word, Your story tells me
that my sharing is the right thing to do. 

For some of us, this may be the first opportunity for our story to be heard, and for us to hear other’s
stories. For some of us, a sad reality is this may be the last opportunity to have our story heard and
to seek community by hearing the stories of others.

Whatever the case, Jesus, my Lord and Listener, I pray You give me and any who are seeking, the
desire and the conviction to listen and share as You did and are; as a partner in a lifetime of eternal
hope.

Shema,

Mark C.

2-5-2020 Still, Deep Within

Still, Deep Within

In peace I will both lie down and sleep; for You alone, O LORD, make me dwell in safety. ― Psa_4:8

Before I reveal my thoughts, I ask for Your covering and counsel, Holy Spirit, Your forgiving grace, Lord Jesus and Your completing Love, Father God―not only for me, but for anyone who reads the following words. It is not because of the language that I proceed in sober prayer and caution, but because You have shared two things with me this night that I am afraid may resonate too deeply with my family, friends and community: One lesson is of terrible emptiness that strips me naked before You. The other is one that has filled me with brilliant hopeful light. I pray for all of humankind; that we each in our own hearts and minds discover by the darkness revealed herein, the embrace of Your illuminated presence:

Lord, I have awoken from a most sinister of dreams. In it I found pleasure in an act of selfishness that meant nothing to anyone, but me. In it, my needs alone were satisfied. There is no purpose in playing out the details―No harm came from the cinema. Because my imagination was the only participant, no others were affected, it was a dream. It could hardly be helped…except―

Afterward, You spoke to me in the night. I know it was You because it was so clear…purifying in its searing revelation. I immediately recognized with palatable fear; I had been able in the privacy of my innermost thoughts to self-justify my needs without consulting You.

Now in my epiphany, I realize that David and Paul were most certainly right. “Not one is righteous, no not one”, certainly not me. Paul took it a step further in Romans 7 when he confessed…bared his wounded soul, 

“So I find it to be a law that when I want to do right, evil lies close at hand…

Wretched man that I am! Who will deliver me from this body of death?”

Hard words: My self-called “innocent dreams” may actually be the truest things that convict me. I pray that my fellow men and women don’t have such inner struggles…but I have my suspicions that I

 am not alone in this battle.

I have discovered that I might blame a being named Satan for tormenting me. I might pontificate about demons and unholy spirits who taunt me into willful acts against my Creator. But there is a more malevolent culprit at play. I need look no further than to my closest associate whom I have known both as my good friend and most vile enemy―it is me, myself and I who imagines, and in my fantasies may create seemingly harmless thoughts that can lead eventually to detestable actions…

―The darkest sin is that which pleases only me, but means something only to You, my Lord.

Surely I might say the night is dark and overwhelms me, but Psalm 139 instructs me that, “to You the dark is light, the night is as day to You”. And there You are: Waiting. I am in the shadows, but I can sense Your teaching, even in the murkiest realms. You remind me of another Psalm, number 4 where I read that I should lay down in peace to rest and sleep, for You alone Lord, make me to dwell in safety…safety from the comic powers in this present darkness, from the spiritual forces in the heavenly places from my enemies―especially from he who can choose to be my good friend or my greatest enemy. Is it me? Is that most of all whom you protect me from, make me safe against?  

In the darkness, how am I to know? Not all my dreams are such. Many are great and creatively borne from the fearfully and wonderfully made being You fashioned me to be. This particular twilight invention is one of few that has fire-alarmed me from slumber. The fault is not of the dreams per se or the gift of imagination which You have generously and beautifully provided within me. What provoked my jolt to reality was the revealing of this particular evening’s content. This specific awareness I am convinced, was infilled from a greater Spirit; one that persistently and constantly counsels with concern for my well-being―if only I will be alert to it. I tremble only because of the experience of my past, of my not acknowledging that Powerful Correcting Presence…You; I am reminded of it because of the Word I have ingested; I sense it because of our current fellowship. And You help me to remember…

―It is not always the song that wakes, but often the cry.

In the darkness that is light to You, I can somehow see Your arms outstretched, wanting only my confession which I now give. I am so sorry my Lord; for still after all our time together, even my simplest thoughts can work to separate us!

You desire only my repentance so that we can continue our walk together through life. In the moment of my complete brokenness―my admittance that I need You as my God above all other gods, pleasures, and self-desires―You forgive and incredibly teach me.

And so I turn once again toward You. I praise You for the incredible ability by Your sacrifice―having destroyed my sin―to dwell safely with You. By the discovery of my temped self revealed by the Spirit of  my loving Father, confessed as honestly as I am able, repented of in hope that never again I will have to consider my actions to be against Your will; I am now free to become more like you than I was before, Lord Jesus.

Search me, O God, and know my heart! Try me and know my thoughts!

And see if there be any grievous way in me, and lead me in the way everlasting!

                                                                                                                ―Psalm 139:23-24

My darkness is made light by You. My night is as day.―

Mark C.

11-22-2019 Confessions of Thanks

For you formed my inward parts; you knitted me together in my mother's womb. I praise you, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made. Wonderful are your works; my soul knows it very well.

My frame was not hidden from you, when I was being made in secret, intricately woven in the depths of the earth. Your eyes saw my unformed substance; in your book were written, every one of them, the days that were formed for me, when as yet there was none of them.

―Psalm 139:13-16

Lord, I confess…

―Strange and very personal words―at least they should be. And what do they really suggest? Do I really believe that You, the Master of the universe will take time to hear my outpouring of honest betrayal to You? In my heart of hearts, do I even think that I have or am capable in the present and future of wronging our relationship by some action or inaction on my part?

Teacher, I can’t speak on anyone else’s behalf, but I am amazed at how Your scriptural examples acknowledge a greater audience than just me. You inspired Your spiritual scribes in the books of Ruth and Samuel, to outline exactly how the relationship You do and do not want with Your chosen ones should be framed.

Ruth pledges to live or die where Naomi lives or dies, submitting to the will of another. Samuel does the same in his relationship with You. Saul on the other hand does what I have been guilty of, charging ahead under his own self-made-man assumptions, thinking You will approve and assuming You will repair any wrongdoing on his part.

You repair alright…along with some loving reprimands. I remember a time when I purchased a motorcycle, thinking it would be a great vehicle for my wife and me to use to explore the country-side. And it was! It wasn’t until years later, when I had a serious accident, that I came to realize Your “hand” had been upon me in those early days―to protect us. I have since looked back on other examples where I displayed lesser abilities maneuvering on two-wheels. Now I conclude that I could have easily inflicted great damage to my beautiful bride, rather than providing the pleasure-ride of the moment.

Looking back and looking forward―You teach me to consider a greater-good above the immediacy of my own gratification. Healer, there are many more moments that I can point to. Moments of not seeking for Your will to be done and not waiting on Your wise counsel. Or asking of, then impatiently ignoring You: presuming that if You don't answer immediately or that You will not answer at all, that I'm on the right track.  I have also been guilty of assuming Your answer will never be immediate (so why bother asking in the moment?). And being a walking, talking contradiction, In some instances, I’ve even rationalized that You are liable to respond in the moment. In those cases I don't ask at all, fearing Your answer might be something I don't want to hear or submit to.

You are familiar with all of my “moments”―sadly even the ones still to come―when I skirt or manipulate Your will in trade for my own desire. Again back to Samuel’s account and a boy-king named David. He too wanted to please you. Unlike Saul, he sought and waited on Your approval of his intended actions…for the most part. Like me, he too sometimes self-justified his plans, thinking You would overlook an occasional indiscretion, even adultery, and murder.

So like Saul, am I to be condemned by my prideful view, or as David, am I redeemable from my indulgences?  My heart (and my prayers) fall to the later. Your grace and mercy are evident. Am I willing to recognize those blessings at any given moment, soberly alert and waiting for You to reveal your truth immediately or down the road? Will that help me avoid future spiritual conflict? I pray so in the short and the long-term.

Lord I repent…

―Or rather I hope to, I intend to, Master, that’s the plan. Help me with that plan, please. Forgive my selfish risk-taking, putting others at risk by justifying my own capabilities without first asking, then sufficiently waiting on You, or asking, then making up an answer I want you to respond with rather than be As we prepare to return to Israel, I am becoming more anxious to be right in Your sight. I’m convinced that my conviction is of Your doing, Your Spirit’s prodding. I praise You not for my attempts, but for Your forgiveness and empowerment in my weak moments of waiting.

And that brings up a final confession, Lord. In this Thanksgiving and Christmas season, this waiting…Advent―moment, I struggle with how to respond. I have no worthy gift to offer.  I want to recognize You, rely on You, and not forget what You have done, are doing and will do. I have failed on my own and will continue to fail on my own. So all I can do is ask for one more gift from You―possibly a dangerous gift in its unfolding. I am saved by You and I will be saved by You. There is no other greater gift than Your ultimate act of love. But will You please walk with me through my selfish moments and guide me in my repentance, reminding me of these words when I am once again tempted to choose my will over waiting on Yours?

Offered in reverence of You who knitted me together,

Mark C.