To some Lord, the subject at hand may not seem
connected to the season, but You are not a respecter of mankind’s timing and to
those who don’t see the value in the message…I am sorry.
A confession: It is based on a longstanding personal
struggle which has been socially encouraged and ignored for too long. Lord, you
knew me from the womb and watched over me as a child. You saw how I chose to
perceive my existence. I make no excuses and will not blame others for my
choices. Even in the early years. I realize now what I ignored then… You were
moving me toward different decisions than those I initially made.
As a younger Mark, smaller and insecure, one of the
temptations I fell toward was to believe those around me when they said, “you
are not as good as the rest of us.” The acceptance of this pronouncement from
my peers led down a slippery slope. It began with the pebble of self-pity gaining
momentum toward a new thought. As I tumbled through early life a concept began
to nudge in my brain: One I know You placed there. You whispered, “you are Mine and special
because I made you that way.”
But the world cleverly shouted, “If you really are special
prove it. Fight back”. I chose to listen
to the louder thought, and so warped Your better message to fit my own desire.
My world became one of rebellion and cleverness, maneuvering and playing odds
toward getting what I wanted: Recognition and acceptance by those who would
rather persecute me. To avoid the slights and ridicule, I had to somehow disguise
my perceived inadequacies from others. The solution was so simple I didn’t even
realize it was happening as it unfolded. All I had to do was become like the
others.
Odd, I even remember when I began to look at that
ugly life, trying to paint it more beautifully with my own brush. I saw
individuals, their popularity, their possessions, their power and I considered,
“I can have that too, I can be that, I can look like them.”
There is a word now, old fashioned as it sounds,
that I didn’t know then. It defines well what I had become. It is a word that
does not roll off the tongue easily and it takes a little grasping to comprehend.
It is a word You spoke against from the very beginning of creation and probably
the best of opposites in comparison to Your Word, Jesus. The anti-word is Covetousness. I had learned it well in
my young life and it became my god.
Lord God, how in this world could You love someone,
anyone, all-ones like me who decide they can be better by imitating or wanting
to out-do those who are less than You? I’m
so very sorry I didn’t listen to Your Love offered then. The results are still
with me, the aftermath of my selfishness still clings and the damage still
affects the path I now walk.
Yet, You said, “Come
to me, all who labor and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon
you, and learn from me, for I am gentle and lowly in heart, and you will find
rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy, and my
burden is light."
How can it be? How can You forgive one like me who
thought I knew the best way to live, disguising my true ego behind a mask I
called “service”, “humanitarianism”, “altruism”? How could You love one who
played the role of “the persecuted”, yet was perfectly willing to persecute
others to get his way? How could You, knowing my nature, have planned a way to
redeem me; I who would so casually and intentionally push You aside to obtain a
better position?
Yet You continue to whisper to me and
all others like me, ”If you keep my commandments, you
will abide in my love, just as I have kept my Father's commandments and abide
in his love. These things I have spoken to you, that my joy may be in you,
and that your joy may be full.
"This is my commandment, that you love one another as I
have loved you.”
You love the one who would step
over others to get what he wants? You ask me to love those who would do the
same to me? You forgive those who would do this, even to You? It’s beyond my
comprehension. It makes no sense. It takes all the faith I can muster to trust
in it. I’m sorry Lord, I’m not capable of such great things…unless You live
within me and show me how.
And so I confess:
Do
I still covet/worship the trappings of the world? Yes, but You share with me things greater than my selfish desires.
Do I still persecute?
No doubt, but You illuminate and help me to correct my ignorant actions.
Do
I still pity my position in life? Sure, but You reveal the blessings of my
life, teaching me the difference between temporary happiness
and eternal joy.
I am sorry. If it were up to me,
such things as love, peace and goodwill would be all and only about me. What
great irony there is in a God who gave all His Love, Peace and Goodwill to an
undeserving world; gave these to an undeserving man: that I might be pulled to
my knees in confession that I might choose to worship t He who is the greater
and better of all.
Thank You Master for Your great
if of Grace and forgiving Love, born as least, resurrected as best.
Mark C.
