For you formed my inward parts; you knitted me together in my
mother's womb. I praise you, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made. Wonderful
are your works; my soul knows it very well.
My frame was not hidden from you, when I was being made in secret,
intricately woven in the depths of the earth. Your eyes saw my unformed
substance; in your book were written, every one of them, the days that were
formed for me, when as yet there was none of them.
―Psalm 139:13-16
Lord, I confess…
Teacher, I can’t speak on anyone else’s
behalf, but I am amazed at how Your scriptural examples acknowledge a greater
audience than just me. You inspired Your spiritual scribes in the books of Ruth
and Samuel, to outline exactly how the relationship You do and do not want with
Your chosen ones should be framed.
Ruth
pledges to live or die where Naomi lives or dies, submitting to the will of
another. Samuel does the same in his relationship with You. Saul on the other
hand does what I have been guilty of, charging ahead under his own
self-made-man assumptions, thinking You will approve and assuming You will
repair any wrongdoing on his part.
You repair alright…along with some
loving reprimands. I remember a time when I purchased a motorcycle, thinking it
would be a great vehicle for my wife and me to use to explore the country-side.
And it was! It wasn’t until years later, when I had a serious accident, that I
came to realize Your “hand” had been upon me in those early days―to protect us.
I have since looked back on other examples where I displayed lesser abilities
maneuvering on two-wheels. Now I conclude that I could have easily inflicted
great damage to my beautiful bride, rather than providing the pleasure-ride of
the moment.
Looking back and looking forward―You
teach me to consider a greater-good above the immediacy of my own
gratification. Healer, there are many more moments that I can point to. Moments
of not seeking for Your will to be done and not waiting on Your wise counsel.
Or asking of, then impatiently ignoring You: presuming that if You don't answer
immediately or that You will not answer at all, that I'm on the right track. I have also been guilty
of assuming Your answer will never be immediate (so why bother asking in the
moment?). And being a walking, talking contradiction, In some instances, I’ve
even rationalized that You are liable to respond in the moment. In those cases
I don't ask at all, fearing Your answer might be something I don't want to hear
or submit to.
You are familiar with all of my
“moments”―sadly even the ones still to come―when I skirt or manipulate Your
will in trade for my own desire. Again back to Samuel’s account and a boy-king
named David. He too wanted to please you. Unlike Saul, he sought and waited on
Your approval of his intended actions…for the most part. Like me, he too
sometimes self-justified his plans, thinking You would overlook an occasional
indiscretion, even adultery, and murder.
So like Saul, am I to be condemned by my
prideful view, or as David, am I redeemable from my indulgences? My heart (and my prayers) fall to the later. Your
grace and mercy are evident. Am I willing to recognize those blessings at any
given moment, soberly alert and waiting for You to reveal your truth
immediately or down the road? Will that help me avoid future
spiritual conflict? I pray so in the short and the long-term.
Lord I repent…
―Or rather I hope to, I intend to, Master,
that’s the plan. Help me with that plan, please. Forgive my selfish risk-taking, putting others at risk by justifying my own capabilities without first
asking, then sufficiently waiting on You, or asking, then making up an answer I
want you to respond with rather than be As we prepare to return
to Israel, I am becoming more anxious to be right in Your sight. I’m convinced
that my conviction is of Your doing, Your Spirit’s prodding. I praise You not
for my attempts, but for Your forgiveness and empowerment in my weak moments of
waiting.
And that brings up a final confession,
Lord. In this Thanksgiving and Christmas season, this waiting…Advent―moment, I
struggle with how to respond. I have no worthy gift to offer. I want to recognize You, rely on You, and not
forget what You have done, are doing and will do. I have failed on my own and
will continue to fail on my own. So all I can do is ask for one more gift from
You―possibly a dangerous gift in its unfolding. I am saved by You and I will be
saved by You. There is no other greater gift than Your ultimate act of love. But
will You please walk with me through my selfish moments and guide me in my
repentance, reminding me of these words when I am once again tempted to choose
my will over waiting on Yours?
Offered in reverence of You who knitted
me together,
Mark C.
